This blank page on which I’m typing can achieve such an array of moods.
Overcome with inspiration, words frantically humping to create more and more of themselves as they leak out of me and are sucked into the vacuum that is the blank page.
Now is not such a time. I am overcome, it’s true, but with a much less joyful chaos than the one described above.
I am distraught with the project of breaking someone’s heart. I say project because – well, quite honestly, it has all the makings of one.
The three factors of a project:
First 6 months of our relationship – ridiculous amounts of euphoria; my vision was emblazoned with sequins, hearts, and other forms of herpes of a crafty nature.
Second 6th months – crippling self-doubt and withdrawal symptoms – where is this sweet, doting man who could make me laugh and who put a cold stranger there in his place? Where are the goddamn sequins? The sequins, for the love of God.
I also met somebody else with whom I had a very strong mental, emotional, and physical mutual attraction. I was not ready for it. I was not ready for him. I was not ready for the better ‘me’ I would become if I were with him.
And so, like a wretch, I went back to the first person, who I knew would repress me, hold me back, and emotionally abuse me.
2nd year – Emotional abuse, and constant thoughts of the one that got away.
3rd year – Emotional abuse, and constant thoughts of the ‘me’ I would have become if I had stayed with the one that got away.
4th year – Constant thoughts about the better ‘me’ I should become, not by being with the one that got away, but by being with myself and people who enable the best in me. Maybe one of them is him, maybe it’s not – but I want the freedom to find out.
Thus, in my fourth year, I am close to graduating the College of Quarter-Life-Crises.
Break up. Recover utilizing network of support. Be happy. Self-actualize. Be awesome and kick ass for the rest of my life.
That’s the general concept anyway. I’m working on refining the details as I go along. Project plan in progress.
If I get an apartment of my own, roughly $2000 out of my savings. Ouch.
If I move in with a friend, $700. Not too bad.
Increase in alcohol consumption: $150. Nice – priorities.
Increase in gas money and seeing folks: $200
Increase in general overhead as I make mistakes on my own: Thousands of dollars, most likely.
Like I said, project plan in progress. You will be the first to know for any mindless panic-filled additions to it.
Wish me luck, friends! I’ll need it.