Breakups are a statement, not a conversation

Context: I am breaking up with my boyfriend. We have been together 4 years. A significant portion of it has been either mediocre or bad.

I am not committed, I don’t want to be committed, and I won’t want to be for a while. I have determined this after 4 years. He insists I will feel differently if he changes – and if I change alongside him. No. I can’t. I won’t. 

You repeat, and repeat, and repeat.

You think saying the same thing multiple ways will finally make him comprehend – tears will stop their trail mid-cheek and he will look at you, new understanding dawning onto his face, and the two of you will finally stop crying.

FYI: this never happens. Some wisdom I’ve gained from the last week – never prolong a breakup if you can help it.

You start on this road with good intentions , thinking things like, well, I have to talk to him about this, he has to know I won’t be on his phone plan anymore…

or he needs time to make peace with the fact that I’m leaving…

or I didn’t give him enough warning this was going to happen…

or maybe I’ll lessen his pain if I give him some closure and talk about it…

Or whatever reason you use to rationalize conversing with him about the fact that you’re leaving him. The reasons are as numerous as your imagination.

And at this point, it then becomes a conversation. Not a statement.

Your leaving becomes an opinion, not a fact.

It becomes a sales pitch, in which you, as the sympathetic consumer, slowly get drawn in, day by day, gesture by sweet gesture, until there’s nothing left for you to do but give in.

And let me tell you, you bond during this period as you never have before, because he is trying his damnedest to blind you from your goal.

Suddenly, kisses are sweeter, embraces are closer, and each intimate conversation lulls you into thinking, well, maybe leaving is a mistake… maybe we can change… maybe if I stay, it’ll always be like this from now on.

Succumbing would be the best feeling. But I can’t. I can’t I can’t I can’t.

I can’t. I won’t.

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3 thoughts on “Breakups are a statement, not a conversation

  1. Hello. I’m sorry that this is still happening. Sounds painful. I remember when I was married and things just sort of imploded near the end when, I though things were going good; but took me by surprise. I felt for awhile that things could have been fixed and in reality, that is what a relationship has to be. To work at it and talk and try to not just find a middle ground, but find happiness. But ultimately, if it’s not bringing happiness or joy or love anymore, then the best for both is to stop and move on. It’s never good to force the issue if the result is going to be the same; that is how this long term relationships force themselves to be with each other. Not out of love, but out of guilt and to not fail. I wish you the best, and hope things will be better soon.

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    1. As always, thank you for your kind words, Fico. It’s happening, it’s in progress, it’s all messy. But I’ll be in a better place soon. I hope you’re doing well, and from what you have told me, the best of luck in what you’re trying to do! I hope your holidays are going fantastically, despite all things you’re going through. 🙂

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      1. So far they are going really well. I’m not even doing much while down here with my family. I have things in play and I’m hoping to snag a bunch when I get there. But this is like my last big vacation so, I want to make it all about me and them; my family. As for you, I am glad that you are doing good, or at least you will be soon. It is a bit messy, and no one likes it. But it’s what needs to happen in order to have a better life in the long run. I wish you the best and I hope you have a marvelous holidays!

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