Context: I am breaking up with my boyfriend. We have been together 4 years. A significant portion of it has been either mediocre or bad.
I am not committed, I don’t want to be committed, and I won’t want to be for a while. I have determined this after 4 years. He insists I will feel differently if he changes – and if I change alongside him. No. I can’t. I won’t.
You repeat, and repeat, and repeat.
You think saying the same thing multiple ways will finally make him comprehend – tears will stop their trail mid-cheek and he will look at you, new understanding dawning onto his face, and the two of you will finally stop crying.
FYI: this never happens. Some wisdom I’ve gained from the last week – never prolong a breakup if you can help it.
You start on this road with good intentions , thinking things like, well, I have to talk to him about this, he has to know I won’t be on his phone plan anymore…
or he needs time to make peace with the fact that I’m leaving…
or I didn’t give him enough warning this was going to happen…
or maybe I’ll lessen his pain if I give him some closure and talk about it…
Or whatever reason you use to rationalize conversing with him about the fact that you’re leaving him. The reasons are as numerous as your imagination.
And at this point, it then becomes a conversation. Not a statement.
Your leaving becomes an opinion, not a fact.
It becomes a sales pitch, in which you, as the sympathetic consumer, slowly get drawn in, day by day, gesture by sweet gesture, until there’s nothing left for you to do but give in.
And let me tell you, you bond during this period as you never have before, because he is trying his damnedest to blind you from your goal.
Suddenly, kisses are sweeter, embraces are closer, and each intimate conversation lulls you into thinking, well, maybe leaving is a mistake… maybe we can change… maybe if I stay, it’ll always be like this from now on.
Succumbing would be the best feeling. But I can’t. I can’t I can’t I can’t.
I can’t. I won’t.