Plan A & Plan B

Sol Duc  812

I once had a choice between two men; two very different men. One was logical, traditional, certain of the path he wanted in life — wealth, house, land, wife, and children. The other one… oh, the other one. The other was passionate, adventurous, emotional — not certain of the circumstances of his life yet, but he was self-aware — and that’s all that really mattered.

I had just broken up with the logical one (let’s just call him Plan A) on account of insanity from arguing with him; it was like arguing with Spock. Then, head-first, I jumped into the arms of the latter (let’s call him Plan B); he took me to meet his family a month or so in.

Plan B was so refreshing, after all the insecurities I felt having been with Plan A. He was completely open, communicative, and he accepted me for me.

But then, a different set of insecurities grew within me. Plan B, with his charisma and passion, scared me. I felt inept and small, with my soft-spokenness and strict Asian upbringing. I lacked experiences. He loved them and collected them like people collect stamps, and would have had me go on his adventures with him. I’m afraid of heights and velocity, and he goes mountain biking and is somewhat of an adrenaline-junkie. He liked projects and creating things, and I, in my utter boring-ness, just liked to read and do yoga. I didn’t have many friends. He certainly did not lack for them, and was well-liked, and — oh, the horror, he would’ve introduced me to them, and me, with my introverted ways, would’ve disappointed them. And him.

It was too scaryThere were too many opportunities to fail him and embarrass myself… and there were too many opportunities for self-discovery. I broke it off with Plan B.

In case you don’t know, I picked Plan A. And Plan A is nice — he’s stable, sweet, and even though it can be like arguing with Spock sometimes, he is a good foil for my sometimes turbulent behavior. He is the more predictable path, the path more widely-taken.

Don’t get me wrong. Plan A and Plan B are both truly outstanding, in their own ways. But I picked Plan A because he was what I needed at the time; someone whose focus on a quiet, calm life presented a comfort for me. I’ve always been more cautious, less willing to fling myself out of my comfort zone. I wasn’t ready to become a different person, or to be with someone who was so different. I needed the familiar.

But sometimes—actually, many times—I wonder, would I have become a totally different person if I’d stayed with Plan B? Would I have become a more vibrant, more majestic version of myself if I’d stayed with him? Less terrified of the unknown, and more lusty-for-life? Or would it have ended anyway due to our differences?

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I feel like now, for me, life is a balance of learning how to be this more vibrant and majestic person, without anyone’s help. I am learning that if I want to grow, I need to do all the watering myself, and not just wait for the rain to come. Because the rain will come, but I have to find a means to nourish myself without aid, by writing, reading, exposing myself, asserting myself, slowly but surely, I have to learn.

Life is about the choices you make, but the person you want to be cannot be forged and created by picking the right person. It certainly helps accelerate the process, but in the end, the path you choose—whether it’s the tried-and-true, or the less-trodden—is less significant than your will to fulfill your ambitions and become the individual you’ve always wanted to be.

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Somersaulting

I went swimming in a pool yesterday. Pools aren’t my preferred body of water to take a dip in. I’ve always preferred the saltiness of the ocean; a lingering reminder of my salt-soaked childhood on my little island.

So—back at the pool. I tried doing a somersault. That proved to be problematic. I’ve never been the world’s greatest swimmer, but I thought, Hell, if I could at least do a somersault, I won’t have to dip my head in embarrassment when the same pool is filled to the brim with 10-year-olds who can do the butterfly like I can apply butter to a piece of toast.

Nope, apparently that wasn’t in the plans for me. As soon as I dipped my head in the water and propelled myself into a circle — in my head, I was thinking, Sonic the Hedgehog, Sonic the Hedgehog, Sonic the Hedgehog! — my nose burned and my head went into delirium. And in my head, I was thinking, not about Sonic the Hedgehog, but more like, WTF—how do the little f***ers do it without dying??? 

I must not be doing it right.

There has got to be a way to make yourself do something that feels wrong, and not feel like you’re drowning.

Oh, have I veered off track a bit?

By the way, my boyfriend has told me he wants to marry me. Yeah, like three times last weekend.

Someone please tell me how to somersault in the water.

***

A response to today’s Daily Post prompt: Phase

Phases (Tuesday morning)

Oh, there are days.*

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*When the sting of the salt sea’s embrace calls to me
The bracing wind invigorating my loins
In all joy, the trees swing in a dance
Confident that these exhalations will never abandon

*When my soul yearns for some passion—not in people, no
I crave one simpler, where
Left alone, I sway naked in relief that my phases
Hopelessly fractured, are accepted by the surrounding elements

*When, held hostage by boxes and straight lines, I
Long for organic curves and chaos, finding symmetry in the imperfect
Neglecting control, I assimilate to Nature’s whims
Letting it shape my being with no say or investment of mine

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*There are days when I daydream.

Are you Air, Fire, or Earth?

What is the nature of your dreams? Are you Air, Fire, or Earth? What are your bowel movements li—ahem. Sorry. Got carried away there for a second. These are not my questions… These are questions asked by this Ayurvedic quiz I took online.

I took this quiz to see what my dosha, or body type was.

In Ayurvedic school of thought, there are three body types: Vata (winter air and ether), Pitta (summer fire and water), and Kapha (spring earth and water).

Everyone is any combination of the three, but one element will always be dominant. In theory, knowing your dosha will help you learn your susceptibilities and live a healthier life.

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Instinctively, because of my melancholic tendencies and ability to listen well, I thought I was more Kapha than anything. Upon taking the test, my results were quite unexpected — I am predominantly Pitta, with Vata going for second place, and Kapha not far behind. Hmm; seems my Type A side has fought hard to win this quiz.

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**My Ayurvedic results** Pitta leads.

Like a Nutrition Facts label with the most plentiful ingredient mentioned first, I am made up chronologically of: Fire, Air, and Earth.

Come to think of it, it’s not all that surprising at all. I am mostly Fire. What gets me in trouble, I suppose, is when my Vata side ‘fans the flames’, so to speak — my anxiety and nervousness exacerbate my inherent anger and perfectionist tendencies.

I can get pretty uncontrollable, what with Air and Fire enabling each other like that.

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What results did you get? I’m curious to see what you’re made of. ; )