My sponge friend

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I miss you.

I heard a friend today talk about the courage it takes to make that leap of faith of being with that person who loves you and terrifies you because of what they bring to your world.

It reminded me of you, and how you used to tell me that it hurt that I never believed in us enough… That it just hurt because I didn’t reciprocate that hope. I didn’t have the courage back then. I used to wonder how different my life would have become if I’d taken that leap of faith.

More so these days, I am simply missing you and your presence in my life. These days, I am constantly pushing myself to be the best communicator I can be, and this is oftentimes where my thoughts drift back to you — I think, wow, I was always so good at communicating with him. He always helped me be the best communicator I could be. 

When I spent time with you, I felt counted and real. I felt like a sponge, just absorbing all of life and participating in the grandest way.

I miss being your friend, and having someone in my life who just gets it. Gets me. Gets everything that comes out of my mouth. It’s nothing romantic — really, it’s just my soul going, “Huh. Well, there’s that thing missing. Wonder when we can resume that. Because it was awesome.”

So there. I miss you, simply you. I hope your life is copacetic. I hope we can be friends again soon.

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ღ, ts

Carry me home

Carry me home, sweet salty tide
I never knew your strength after all
And in this anguish, I release it to you
So you may enter my pores 
And make me one with you 

Bring me back to the minute sands
Upon which I lay my innocence 
Like a trusting fool, a jester of the seas
I forgive you in my weariness
Oh, lover of the breathless seas

So carry me home, driftwood docking
Upon your frills of froth
And make me a jester once more
In your court of longing and love
Bring me home once more

________________

Daily Post prompt: Carry

Oh, these cravings

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the air

There are some days I want to experience air. A big, unapologetic whiff that makes my nostrils flare and my chest visibly expand. Some days, in the constant walk-a-thon that is my job, I feel like I truly take air for granted. When I feel this way, I stop and glance around, like I’m seeing my surroundings for the first time. Then I breathe, starting slow in the pit of my stomach, making note of the flavors that enter my nasal passage. Once I reach the peak of my breath, I savor the deliciousness of the view. Then I make my way down the valley of my exhalations, careful not to fall over the edge and release too quickly.

the strangers

There are some days I crave male attention. When I was sixteen, and my mother would drive us south every weekend for several hours, I would relish making eye contact with some truck driver, or a man in some Subaru. I would make believe the man was intrigued by my lovely cheekbones, in the partial shadow of the passenger seat. I would hold the gaze for as long as I dare, feeling desired, if only for a few seconds. I thought that if they couldn’t see the rest of me — just my long, black hair and intense gaze — that would make me more desirable … at least, more desirable than if my awkward body were set against the backdrop of high school lockers and bland classrooms. Sometimes, I still feel like I’m sixteen, falling in love with strangers.

the salt & the sea

There are some days I yearn for the sea. I am convinced salt water is my element. Warm, cold, turbulent, calm — doesn’t matter. If it’s salty, if it’s endless, if it hits the sand … then it is truly mine. I used to climb coconut trees, collect shells, run like a madman along the beaches with my dogs. All of this was with the sea to my side, the briny wind on my face, two giants embracing me as I played. You know how you hear the ocean in a shell when held up to your ear? Some sunrises and sunsets here, in the city I live in, truly feel like a shell is being held up to my ear.

My dearest friends

They say your closest friends are a reflection of who you want to be as a person.

I count myself fortunate to say that my closest friends are adventurous, intelligent, and loving people whose traits continue to induce me to a state of awe

7378cb562b58c2a926c4b49382fc6653Like my friend Keesha, whose capacity to love and open her heart is just astounding. No matter what world of hurt she is in, she carries within her a breadth of compassion, the likes of which I have never experienced in a person. I feel her empathy envelope me whenever I confide in her.

Like my friend Trevin, who, no matter how occupied he is in his eventful life, has the energy to give 100% in his every interaction with me. He is fully engaged in every second of his life, and holds me accountable in my own level of participation in my life. I am grateful for his presence in my life.

Like my friend Mieke, who combines her work and personal life effortlessly, introducing one friend to another with the ease of a true social master. She is always willing to make herself the conduit of love and friendship in her circle. She is always so authentic, I know I can always be straightforward and myself with her.

Like my friend Rubie, who travels the world, one plane ride at a time. She is constantly befriending strangers and willing to share the wisdom she learns on her adventures. She is my sister, lonely, still trying to find herself through her experiences, and constantly on the move in search of happiness.

Like my partner Kevin, who has taught me the value of compromise and controlling my emotions, as they tend to overrun me at times. He is my rock, and continues to hold me in place. Over the years, we have had our challenges, but we continue to teach each other lessons that the other sorely needs.

I am forever thankful that I am surrounded by people I am continuously learning from, and who fill the gaps in my own personality enough to make me a more well-rounded person. They teach me what is valuable and worth holding to in life, and I have cried and laughed with them, sharing in these beautiful moments and solidifying my love for them. They have absolutely changed my life.