A thank you to my ex

I have playlists for men in my life with which I have had a significant romantic connection. So far, I have three.

When I listen to the playlist of the man that caused me so much pain and doubt for five years, I can only think of how much I have grown through that period, and afterwards. I look at the progression of songs:

from the first songs he sent me, so full of hope and young love —

to the songs I listened to one year in, so full of pleading, asking him to stop the hurt —

to the bittersweet songs that I played for him as I let him go, slowly and lovingly.

My playlist for him has evolved; but then again, so have I.

* * *

I started this blog while I was with him. In fact, he is the reason I started this blog. The first words I typed in were efforts to be understood by the world at large — if he couldn’t understand me, then maybe someone else out there would.

Eventually, they became words that felt healing to me, like a cool salve that I applied to wounds that were there before even him. I communed with my past through my words, and through this process, turned myself inside out. It was painful, but joyful. I relived my trauma every time my fingers flew across my keyboard. Through this blog, I’ve written about him, about other loves, but mostly, about myself — and that’s what I have needed the most.

And because of this, I want to thank him for being the gateway to this world of catharsis; for being the initial struggle I had to overcome before I truly got to the hard stuff; for necessitating this blog that accepts my beautiful and my ugly.

* * *

Here are three songs
dedicated to each phase of our love:

The budding romance;

The suffocating love;

The ebbing breakup.

* * *


Daily Post prompt: Gate


Happy anxiety*

Anticipation Orange by Lisa Golighty

When I see the word anticipation, I think happy anxiety. Strange, I know — but it makes sense that I relate in that way. I’m an anxious person by nature.

I looked up definitions of the word, and was pleasantly surprised by how positive it was. Here are a couple favorites:

* * *

A N T I C I P A T I O N:

  1. the act of looking forward; especially pleasurable expectation
  2. visualization of a future event or state

* * *

With that in mind, here are lists of things that I,

onepleasurably expect, and

twovisualize for the future:

o n e

in the summer, to look down at my toe rings & feel instantly cheered up

a delicious ache in my muscles the day after a good & decisive workout

to meet people in whatever state and capacity they are currently at

my galoshes to keep my feet dry even as I wade through puddles

my favorite pen to always make my handwriting look amazing

catharsis & ease after writing my feelings out

* * *

t w o

my reputation amongst friends to be someone who will listen without judgment

complete authenticity in my relationships and interactions with people

children that feel secure in themselves, with my & their father’s help

a closer relationship to my heritage as a Filipina

less anger & more acceptance in and of myself

having a love that pleasurably expects me

– – – – –

*I realize now that it’s not necessary to correlate anticipation to anxiety.